Thursday, 19 February 2009

Green Tea.

You're the one who'll be drugged to get wed to Gyasi and you'll get married in that Ilford Cultural centre.
Or if you're really swanky, in the East London Msque Hall. And you'll turn up in some old school merc outside ELM and you'll be wearing a black coat over your wedding outift.
Which would be a REALLY glittery red ...and gold.....

Then Gyasi will turn up with a giant beard, dressed in that brown duffle coat of his, in a safari jeep. And Yoshi will turn around and go, OMG, Gyasi's grown a beard. And she'll have that face on.
Then, she'll spot Mooby, hot on Gyasi's heels and say 'O he's nice' and she'll be planning how to do the bridesmaid-best man connection thing.
When SUDDENLY, MI6 arrive and cart off Gyasi. Why? Because he is brown, young, bearded and from East London.
And so you'll have to marry Mooby! And Yoshi will be hugely jealous....UNTIL!!
HiMar arrives! All dressed up in black and white checked regalia. And makes the announcement!! THAT LEON IS SUNNI!!
And Yoshi rushes into his arms!
And the Mullah begins the process of marrying Yoshi/Leon and You/Mooby.
Nimbura grabs the make ANOTHER announcement...he seems serious.
'Could the owner of the Aston Martin Vanquish double marked by the 80s merc (the bridal vehicle) please remove itself. It is blocking up the main road'
Typical East london style.
It's none other than Bafta! And she comes running!!
To announce that she has fallen for Nimbura and they are getting married!
You faint.
Yoshi faints.
NIMBURA faints!!
Bafta realises she's not making sense and has been drugged! SO SHE FAINTS TOO!!
It was something in her tea.
I'm left holding the mic with the hall spontaneously FAINTING around me...
AND THEN! Daniel Henney walks in! AND HE PROPOSES TO ME!!
I ask him if I'll be able to tell people or whether we should keep it quiet. He says it's fine and he'll pick me up after the wedding.
And like a dream, he leaves.
BUT THEN YOU GUYS COME AROUND! And I try and try and try to tell you he came and proposed! But none of you believe me.
I think it may have been something in my tea.
The Mullah returns after his extended bathroom break and you guys try to marry me off to him! Since he's he only single guy going!
She swans in on the arm of that french model dude.
But....her eyes meet with someone's across the room...
She slips away from the model man...
She's drifting across the 'dancefloor'...
Past the DJ you hired to play bhangra...
Dodging the mad Xena and her dance partner Ras Malaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai..
Shoes sticking to the fallen jalebis and the party popper strings we popped earlier in announcement of yours and Mooby's wedding..

Meanwhile, Bafta is coming around, and now wants Jack Daniels too.
Nimbura feels on more steady ground and goes and marries his best friend in secret...
Bafta and Guacamole start fighting..
KHUSSAY! (the shoes) from UNZE, Green street. Buy one get one half price. This week only.
AND THEN! MI6 burst in and drop Gyasi back in the action!
He gets completely pummelled in the Guacamole/Bafta war for JD.
You rip off the glittery hood of your glittery hoody to shield him. 'Everybody! DROP THE UNZE!', you cry.
Guacamole and Bafta are blinded by the bling and stumble backwards, losing their footing. And foot wear.
There's a sharp intake of breath from everyone.
The thing we have all seen 3cm of, but no more!!
Everybody stops.
Freeze this frame people. Let's see where we all are:
Guacamole and Bafta have fallen over due to the blinded-ness.
JackDaniels is chuckling alone, with his gaggle of girls around not so alone I guess.
Leon and Yoshi are trying to find a halal 'room'.
HiMar has gone back to being militant.
Nimbura is outside trying to steal the Vanquish with his new wifey while Bafta is still stunned. The new Bonnie and Clyde.
I'm still trying to convince people that Henney came and LEFT while y'all were unconscious. In fact, I'm shouting it into the ear of a decrepit granny with slippers.
MI6 are looking at us all like we're freaks.
And you're standing in the middle of it all with no hood on your hoody (from footlocker; closing down sale. Credit crunch you know).
Being your wedding planner, I grab the nearest shiny thing and chuck it at your head.
It turns out, the thing I've just chucked at your head is the foil paper from the main curry dish for your wedding meal.
A lone tear of curry makes it's way down the side of your face,
THEN CORMMA ARRIVES! The coven of recently married medics' association. All self righteous and thinking they're better than the singletons.
They start to pair people up:
Nimbura is long gone with the car.
Mooby and Bafta decide to get it together.
Guacamole marries Jack Daniels.
You marry Gyasi.
Yoshi and Leon have 'disappeared' (but 9 months later a very halal baby comes into the world, named ELMA after the mosque).
CORMMA leaves feeling very smug.
But then...
People start to take pity on me..
Because I'm alone.
And apparently crazy on my drugged tea.
Then the Mullah rips off his beard and thobe!
And you guys were trying to marry me off to the mullah earlier and all along it was him!
He's presenting me with a ring!
We start to sing for all the newly weds.
We sing Aint no Mountain High Enough, to demonstrate that you guys have come and crossed many boundaries to get married..
MI6 men are crying in the corner. They think Muslims are beautiful and wonderful
And all the wars in the muslim world end. And then DH announces he has 4 cinderella carriages waiting outside!! And a white charger for him and me.
Turns out, he had got the pumpkins from the local market and had some fairy magic work from Prozac! Prozac the manic depressive fairy! (his parents weren't expecting him to end up the way he did clearly. He inherited the recessives..)
Prozac felt he had to do a good deed to get back in with us lot. He figured, doing the carriages was the least he could do.
So DH and I get onto the horse. And as the brides are getting into their carriages, you notice there's already a resident in yours!
Not only that! She fell in love with an MI6 agent!! A BROWN MAN!
She gets out and hops onto her MI6 agent man's motorbike, and they ride off into the sunset. She flies a banner as they leave. From a distance, we can just about read what it says: 'Abstain from pain!'
The brides proceed to get into the carriages.
Husbands ride on top. The way guys ride on trains in bollywood movies.
And we ride down to whitechapel.
Where all the people of East London unite in an amazingly choreographed dance spectacular!
Everyone has matching outfits, smiles and does the same dance moves in time!
Traffic stops as people dance around the traffic lights in saris and dhotis.
And everyone is joyful.


Friday, 13 February 2009

To see new beauty in what is vanishing

I had a surreal moment the other day..
It was a cold morning and a watery sunlight was streaming into the kitchen as I was having my toast, looking out into the garden through the back doors. And there alighted a beautiful little robin on the fence. The red of its breast was so odd in a grey, green and brown coloured winter garden. And although I had drawn many a robin on a christmas card in my first decade of life, I'd never seen a robin before! I live in outer London and it was a perfect moment for me. Obviously the first thing I did was grab my phone and take a picture before the moment vanished..But it was just...the perfect start to the day.

Thursday, 12 February 2009

The Outrage!

I can't sleep so here we go. I shall relate my experience of feeling intensely outraged today.

First off, I was on my way home and at *every* stage there was a chick on crutches blocking up the stairs up and out or in and down in the Underground.

Now, I know that makes me sound like a dreadful person but it didn't actually bother me until I sat down on the train and ..

*clkclack...clkclack....clkclack...* And there she was...the Crocodile to my Captain Hook. And she plonked herself down in front of me.

Again, this would not normally irritate me.

A woman sat down next to me and the Crocodile says to her 'O watch out for my leg. I need to have it stretched out. Because I broke it'. Woman politely asks what happened. Crocodile responds smugly 'Skiing'.

AGAIN not a problem.

Then the problem happened. It happened! SHE GOT ON THE PHONE! I hate it when people get on the phone on trains. Specially when you're at a shared table thingy...on a quiet train. It's a total lack of respect for the people around you. I always get off the phone when I get on the train (unless it's not quiet). Uff!!
And the conversations?!
First: On the phone to mum, about her leg and her physio;
Second: On the phone to some guy, about her leg and her physio and how nice it is to get away from London for a while and being at home;
Third: On the phone to some chick, about her leg and her physeio and how nice it is to get away from London for a while and being at home just relaxing and being with the family;
Fourth: Long conversation on the phone about how she's been invited to the Hunters' Ball by Flora. Flora says dress code is pretty relaxed and you could get away with just wearing a long dress. Ths is great because it will hide her foot and yet she can still look like everyone else. You know FLORA has a closet full of long dresses. Hunters' Ball looks fun, just hanging around with some friends over some drinks. Hopefully my leg will be ok by then.

*sound of scratching record*
WAIT A MINUTE, did I just say MY LEG?! O yes! She talked for the entire twenty minute journey. Got in my head. Hate her. HATE HATE HATE. SMASH SMASH SMASH.
Hunting in my opinion is a no-no. I understand that foxes can be a pest and I guess sure, those who live in the country would know best whether culling is required. However, I don't feel that chasing a fox down after hours on your horse with your frikkin' dogs chasing it until it's out of it's mind in fear, then setting upon it and ripping it to shreds, is humane (wow long sentence).

So I didn't hate her THAT much but ogh the hunting infuriated me...That's all for now.
Tomorrow, I'll relate my supreme lame-ness from today. ^^

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Things going on right now

To begin, I will discuss the snow. Because that's all everyone is talking about and I feel like talking about it too. I love it. It has brought everything to a standstill. Tubes, trains, buses. All stopped. Thanks to the glorious snow. For the moment, I don't understand why everyone's so annoyed. There was such a sense of peace on Monday morning when everything was...under.
The Newsreaders are dividing the response loosely into two camps really: the 'IhateBoriswhyhasn'thedoneanythingtofixthissituationIcan'tgettowork' and the 'lovesnowofftoplay'. The first group is adults and the second, children. Loosely. I'm glad I can still count myself as a child. I made a mama bear and a baby bear. Out of snow. Love it. My parents thought I was crazy. I'm tempted to agree.

Also in the news is that 2009 is the worst year for university graduates seeking jobs. Wonderful. An excuse to spend the recession being a bum and my mother can't say ANYTHING!! MWAHAHAHA.
Actually, I intend to skip the country. As anyone who knows me will know. If you don't know me and don't know, well now you know. Do you feel in the know? I know you do. :P
So, I'm making my plans to go to Korea/Taiwan to teach English and I believe it'll be crazy good. I'm a little bit terrified, but I'll get over it. I'll finally escape the clutches of the obligations of being the youngest daughter. People may think there are none. Specially those who are not the youngest daughter, but really you have no idea what it's like. It has it's positives but let's be real now. It sucks a lot.
BUT KOREAAAAAAAAAAAAA (or Taiwan). How cool is that? I can't believe I'm actually going to do it. I hope it all pans out and I get a position out there. My recruiters say it should be no trouble. But still... pray for me. Everyone is free to crash at my place if my place is big enough. For free.

Also in recent news (of my life) is...errm...I don't know. I guess I'm a little bit happy right now. Mosying along as you do. Overall I guess you could say I'm happy. Not 100%, but who cares about that pesky 25%?! It's all about the golden 75%(of me that is joyous). I really want a polar bear/panda/cow hat.

Skywalker now walks. Albeit holding stuff but still. She makes me happy.

I have bundles of coursework to get through but there's no MS Word....(you thought I was going to say time; there is time but no Word. My laptop is being evil and it makes me want to cry when I'm not running around being joyous for no apparent reason).
I've lugged my monster laptop all the way into university today, through sleet and snow shall we say. in order to get the IT help people to help. They say 'Come back at 12'. Came back at 12 and they say 'Come back at 12:30'. Gosh what DIFFERENCE does it make. So mean. I feel jilted- like a lover.

There's a song I heard on the radio this morning. Called 'Say I am Wonderful' or something. It made me that little bit more happy.

Monday, 2 February 2009

Yuki sama

The snow is absolutely epic (for me). Never have i experienced anything like it. So so so joyous. Tried to make it to the station but the roads are a nightmare and no buses!I made a snow bear, yuki sama. He looks sad but i assure you he is ecstatic. Its at times like these i wish my brother and sister were around.