Post-Script

Sometimes, I feel that it would have been better to have left some things and people as mere ink spills on the pages of the past.

Instead, I invite them into chapters of the future.

'Big mistake. Huge.'

When it rains, it pours.

Two wonderfuls in one day. Truly an intoxicating experience.

The one from last week came back today. This led to many a giggle between red and I. She even decided not to go and get a drink in order to watch how things panned out with river and I. River is my name for him.

The other wonderful was just the nicest of guys. Much jovial conversation occurred... I love when people (like him) are open and relaxed. And you can talk and be honest and not have to drive a sale. At the Hawk they're all about driving home the sale. Sell sell sell. Watching you like you are their baby Hawks trying to seize the fattest, juiciest, plumpest of prey.

That. Is. Lame. Play fair. Be honest. People will appreciate it.

I sound like the worst sales assistant on the planet.
O well. Not long left at the Hawk anyway.

And yet...today's customers, particularly the second wonderful (now christened Strudel)...
Strudel was just so adorable. I love when you discover people's quirks. Makes me wonder what kind of quirks I have that I always express.

Aside: Slim at the Hawk says I overuse wonderful...I dono. WHICH reminds me...I mustn't forget to have a good rant about the new kid on the block at work. Brat, let's call her. Complete and utter spoiled brat. She makes my skin crawl.

I like to talk. All the hawks at the Hawk say I become friends with the customers. Well..that's me. I like to talk to people and get to know them. I like that when they leave, they turn back and say 'It was really good talking to you'.

I like to leave a lasting impression.


Its days like these which make me think I'll miss the Hawk.

Through the Vine

'The vine bears three kinds of grapes: the first of pleasure, the second of intoxication, the third of disgust. '


Said by Diogenes. Which one? I don't know. Reading around on Google, I assume this is in reference to alcohol. However, do we not often auto-categorise things in our day to day lives into pleasurable, intoxicating and disgusting?

Intoxication is something that can be attractive and compelling and yet also sometimes something so powerfully repugnant it draws you in.

Verily, intoxication is troubling grounds.

Looking at my list of Rant-cid Milk, I was thinking which I would write about next. Men in suits give me a certain pleasure. Rotten children and adults alike disgust me...what intoxicates me?

I predict the next few entries falling into these three categories; pleasure, disgust and intoxication.

Then I think you have to develop a kind of resistance to rejection.

A few days ago I had another attack of singles' desperation. You know, the feeling that you're going to die alone because either a) you never think you're good enough for someone to love you or b) no one is good enough for you to love.
It was wild. I truly felt that I was on the edge of sanity.


I think the feeling arose out of a feeling of dejection and rejection. Ooh they rhyme!

Feeling rejected is not a hot feeling. I wasn't rejected by a bloke. No no, that would be horrifically embarassing, although that kind of hurt would be fleeting. It is the rejection of your friends which kills. And what's worse is thinking it's rejection when it could be something so simple and explainable, but your pride doesn't let you ask.

Ah Pride..
I never really think of myself as proud. But I do realise that sometimes my pride is like the glass window to a bee trapped in a room.

Being this bee trapped in the room, I'm forced to look through the window. Seeing the outside but not hearing it. And so I don't have a full understanding of my environment.
Hmm...this analogy seems to have carried itself further than I thought it would.

My pride is what stops me from being open to new people I guess. It's something that stops me from being free of inhibitions. Pride is what makes us look at people with different hair/clothes/accents and give them names like chav. You may say it's prejudice. But really it's our pride, the thing that makes us feel we're somehow better than them, that we have dominion over them. And so we name them.
Pride is lame....

Anyway. So this fiasco has led me to believe I'm going to be alone forever. If I can't even get my friends to like me, how am I going to get a bloke to love me?!

Aside Re: The wonderful from the Hawk. He didn't trick me twice. He didn't come in on Saturday, I rang, he said he'd see me on Sunday, I said no I work Wednesday, then I breezed over it all before he got a chance to say/do anything.

On Sunday, my mum put two proposals from some people she knows on my plate. I was shocked. Surprised. I said yes gimme gimme. Then an hour later I said no. These guys are from my land. Snapland. I don't like boys from Snapland generally. So I shouldn't waste their time.

Then I fell further into my dying-alone stupor.


What is it with my wanting to be with someone? Why can't I just be happy as I am?! I'm only twenty, coming to the end of my time at the Dictator, and I ought to be happy that I've got the next few years to figure out what I want in life. And yet I find myself falling into that hideous persona of a chick wishing to wed. As I said earlier, I think this may just be a side-effect of feeling rejected by Woody and Xia.
Nano says they're not worth my time. Sylverine agrees. Yoohoo advises the complete opposite. My mum says I should trust my instinct.


My instinct has me wanting a man in my life.


I need to shake myself out of it.



'You have to dream, you have to have a vision, and you have to set a goal for yourself that might even scare you a little because sometimes that seems far beyond your reach. Then I think you have to develop a kind of resistance to rejection, and to the disappointments that are sure to come your way.'

Might trick me once

I had the most beautiful customer yesterday at the Hawk. Its times like these that i think ill miss the Damn place when i leave.
O he was the wonderful. And hes coming back today! So i pull out my little book of rules thats been gathering years of dust and look for some advice. It was not as forthcoming as i thought it would be.
Stelli says i should just let things roll freely. Wokit suggested going in to the Hawk for 10 so i dont miss him if he comes in. Yoohoo tells me im a freak. But yoohoo cant exactly talk.
Im taking stelli's advice but with a little dash of some orchestrated interference from Red.

Smile

"Smile,it's friday!" he says as he walks by me.
Oddly enough,i find myself smiling like a loony. Did i actually look so grumpy that he felt he ought to instruct me to smile? Do i always look that grumpy? Was it something i had initially devised to ward off the pervs and weirdos but now just makes me look mean and grr?
I dont know if i should try to look more approachable now ... I read about this thing called the bella figura. Its where if you look open and approachable and smiling the world will literally smile with you.

Smile. It's friday.

Wonder is, as the music of the heart, voiceless

Here we go again, it's now been 3 weeks since my first day in Istanbul and I think I'm less melodramatic and 'woe is me' now.
This is likely due to the fact that I have already planned my next visit to Istanbul as a complete break from university when I graduate. A week of peace. On my own.

Just imagining the taste of that freedom sends mini-tingles up my spine.

I lie. But that sounds like something you'd read in a book, right?


Just thinking of my week away really gives me a sense of relief; that once I'm away from The Dictator, I won't have to put up with so many of the people that I do.
People who are friends with me (and vice versa) for the sake of having company.
I look forward to the day I can leave those people behind like lifting the dusty mantle of social formalities and leaving it on the floor the past.

For photos, click post title


































More later..