Pasteurised Milk

Forgotten

2011-03-17T10:27:00.003Z

I said I would utilise that other blog. But I didn't.
I will now though. I was thinking last night of posting on this blog. But I'm not sure. I think wordpress is just..better.
So if you're reading this, then go to Picapicapie
I'm there.

PS. The characters of this blog will retain their names at Picapie

Flying out.

2010-03-02T19:24:00.002Z

Tomorrow I fly off to Korea. I've kept everything very hush hush during the whole application process, and visa processing and bla. But now it's really here.
Tomorrow.
I'm sad but excited too.
I'm sad because I'm leaving my mum and it's just unbelievably heartbreaking. I don't think I realsied how...huge this would feel. And it kills me. It makes me not want to go. It makes me NEVER want to go. But it's happening now, and I can't stop it. It'll make us both stronger, even though it will hurt.
I'm excited for obvious reasons. I've been planning this forever and it's actually happening now. Setting off on my own is a bit crazy for me. No one in my family has ever done anything like this.

But y'know, the sad aspects of going to Korea dull the fizz and sparkle of the independance of branching out.
FOCUS. My focus should be on the good bits. Only then can I stay happy and positive.
I'll miss my mum, but it's ok, she's gonna come out there in a few months for a mini break.
It'll be good.
It'll be amazing.
I'm hungry
I love my new Stitch plushie.

Ps. For Korea blog:
http://picapicapie.wordpress.com/

Nothing is on there yet, but as soon as I get internet set up over there, I'll upload an entry :)

Boom!

2010-01-20T23:57:00.001Z

And I self destruct. I can't sleep. I'm just thinking about the way I look at things and approach things...
I think I'm stubborn...and a bit ram headed..and I have this issue where I think I'm right.
Its shocking when you realise you're not always right...its a really foul feeling.
I'm sorry if you have experienced this...destructive nature of mine..
It must be tedious for those of you who stick around to see me do it time and time again.
Grr.
Sigh.
I always wish I was a better person, but I just don't know where to begin the improvements.
Does anyone else ever get that feeling?
------------------

This is a test.

2010-01-19T23:51:00.000Z

Its been forever and a day since I updated this thing...I have no good excuse really except that life reached a whole new level of monotony..each day rounding into sleep, and not 40 winks later, you're up again to greet another day.
I recently got a blackberry and ill be posting from here..its pretty cool I must say. I hope they have BB data plans in SK that I can switch over to while I'm out there. Let's pray I get a job out there...
This phone is pretty wonderful.
Sylverine skips the country soon..I'm gonna miss her heaps...which is just foul. I also feel a brief bout of vegetarianism coming along..
------------------

Christmas season is upon us

2009-12-06T10:41:00.001Z

It's been a while since I updated and lo and behold, christmas is not far off. The Square now has its lights up and its just so pretty. I want a Christmas tree. This season is gonna be crazy at work so I dont know how well Im gonna be able to maintain this thing. But i will try.
I miss you sylverine!

Cut out

2009-11-06T08:44:00.001Z

I was on my way home the other day and I saw my shadow and well..quite simply, it looked a little like those paper chain girls..so I took a pic. The markings on the road are there because they're replacing pipes and whatnot.

Next!

2009-11-01T17:24:00.006Z

I am so over it. Seriously.

It's been a few months away from university and over this time, I've really felt the gap yawn wider and wider. I'm not saying I'm worldly and all because I'm working.

For God's sake, I'm working in retail right now, it's not exactly challenging.

But being away from university...it's different. There's a different sort of responsibility on your head. A different expectation. And a different sort of bone numbing tiredness.

I don't think people really understand that.

Also, on a mental level, I think I've drifted from people. I see things differently now. Maybe I'm growing as an individual or something. Certainly baklava has had an input. But seriously, I am so over folk of the Dictator and ....I'm glad to be away from the place.

I'm glad I don't have to be around them all anymore and my contact with them is limited.

Not all though. I miss a LOT of the people from the Dictator. But...it's easy to get over.

I'm over the pettiness of it all.

On, to the next phase of life.

What the f have i done

2009-10-30T23:28:00.001Z

Graduation!

2009-10-21T16:03:00.001+01:00

The hall.more photos later.am im the ceremony as we speak.people walking across stage

Beep

2009-10-13T09:15:00.001+01:00

And just like that, my days of student discounts are over. Goodbye student oyster, hello extortionate travel. Painful. On an unrelated note, the little owl hanging off my phone is holding on by a thread. Sadness. Need a new charm.

And another one bites the dust

2009-10-12T19:49:00.001+01:00

It's really freaking me out a bit. That people I grew up seeing on tv are dying. It's weird. And it makes me feel old...which is weird. I'm only 21. But Gately's death goes to show exactly how death could strike at any time. Remind me never to binge drink. Scrap that, I don't drink. I'm gonna live forever! Rawr.

I fell in love.

2009-10-08T13:44:00.001+01:00

But theyre too long for my legs:(

For the butcher and the baker

2009-10-07T20:31:00.001+01:00

I assume the australians won..judging by the grin on that face.

We should all move!

2009-10-06T09:31:00.001+01:00

That's right. I said it. It is written

Rawr

2009-10-05T19:34:00.001+01:00

New shoes. You like?

Chai latte

2009-10-01T19:49:00.001+01:00

Didn't kill me either. Rather nice. You know how we love the italians. O yes. Never to return to starbucks again...until i crave it severely... Ssh..i didnt say that.

Chai Steamer

2009-10-01T09:16:00.001+01:00

It didn't kill me. Not bad at all.

Butchery of a city

2009-09-23T20:53:00.003+01:00

Lol. Ok so that sounds harsh. But wow. A red dawn. Id love to say this is new news to me.. But no. I knew from last night 9pm. Why? Because im cool like that

Run rabbit run rabbit run run run

2009-09-20T18:43:00.001+01:00

And run I did. Yes, I ran off the shopfloor, grabbed my bags and out of the Hawk. I ran to the cab stand where I waited a painful 10 mins. Clambered into a cab. Got changed in the back seat while relaying to the cabbie the urgency for speed. Arrived. Paid. Ran into the station and onto a coach. Made it by the skin of my teeth.

I'm berry late. Late important late.

2009-09-20T11:12:00.001+01:00

Sitting on the train and very frustrated. Im gonna be late for work. Not only that, Im late for work on a day I really should have requested off. Its EID today. And instead of heading out to see Skywalker im on the train to work. A slow one. Hence Ive taken a pic of the detailing on my bag. ..sometimes it makes me happy..

Goodbye!!

2009-09-19T19:05:00.003+01:00

And there, is the last of the Londonpaper, discarded on a Croydon bus.

And so the dance ends

2009-09-16T09:13:00.003+01:00

Wow. Big icons passing away lately..and the new generation of talentless celebrities are moving in.. Great. Kids of real stars, socialites, drinking, sexing and drugging their way into the public eye..

Lady and the tramp

2009-09-13T10:39:00.003+01:00

Curled up on the bus on the journey home last night. Not lady-like i know but this is what happens when you put me in flats. Interestingly enough, despite not feeling like a lady, i sure behaved like one when this drunkard approached me at the bus window and proceeded to wiggle his tongue furiously at me. Absolutely foul.

Ouch

2009-09-04T10:56:00.002+01:00

Discreet picture of someone's dog

2009-08-21T10:45:00.001+01:00

Cute huh

Turning in the oceans of boredom

2009-08-20T15:27:00.001+01:00

Yes. I have resumed drawing merpeople in my intense overheated boredom

In excess

2009-08-20T14:41:00.001+01:00

An excess of doodling while observing the class. And also of course note passing. Sigh. So bored.last ever lesson to observe. A little sad? Yes. Relieved that i dont ever again have to sit and feel myself being slow cooked into a mess due to the heat in this classroom? Definitely.

Bored again

2009-08-20T11:22:00.001+01:00

Another ring

Rasberry frap

2009-08-19T09:38:00.001+01:00

Running late,may as well stop off for breakfast in starbucks.asked for a mango and passion fruit frap-no mango left.
Not sure how i feel about it.tisnt bad per se.
Saw perfect sicilian lemon cupcakes with a perfect swirl of frosting there. It WILL be the next project for sylverine and I.

Really bored

2009-08-13T10:21:00.001+01:00

The other ring I wore...i was REALLY bored. Can you tell by the number of strange pictures i took on the sly during class.

I got bored

2009-08-13T10:19:00.001+01:00

My ring. Yes its a bit bashed up.

South Ken school

2009-08-13T10:17:00.001+01:00

View from the window of the class i was observing yesterday.

Not odd at all

2009-08-13T10:12:00.001+01:00

I'm giving my students lollipops as prizes today. Fine, but it makes my bag contents appear creepy...

Fight the addiction

2009-08-12T14:19:00.000+01:00

Observing a beginners' English class in South Ken. Bored out of my tiny brain...being ill doesnt help either...Missing the Dictator. So close...

Set over chelsea bridge

2009-08-07T20:53:00.001+01:00

Not a good photo because by the time my phone focussed,we were almost over the bridge. But look at the sky..sigh

Just in time

2009-08-07T09:54:00.001+01:00

Class at 0930

For sylverine

2009-08-05T10:17:00.001+01:00

Self explanatory

For the butcher

2009-08-05T09:30:00.001+01:00

Leo da vinci's mona lisa;3604 cups of coffee and 564 pints of milk;colours created by adding milk;for the Rocks Aroma festival in sydney

Bitch be tripping balls

2009-08-01T16:54:00.004+01:00

Credit to Baklava linking this from VGCats

In class

2009-07-29T14:26:00.001+01:00

So hot in class.boring.took a pic of my notes.

My nude awakening

2009-07-22T01:08:00.002+01:00

Today, I made up a new word.
It is:

NudieBoard:

A collection of images from trashy magazines of things you like in compromising positions, with a similar colour scheme. ie. flesh tones.

Example:
Phyl: So I have this mood board of the things that I like. Purple and pink things yknow?
Syl: No you don't! It's all in flesh tones! NUDE
Mozz: It's a NUDIEBOARD!!

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”

2009-07-16T21:55:00.006+01:00

Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it.

In addition to the already existing list of things to do by 30, I've thought of a few more:

Breakfast in Manhattan, New York.
Ride in a souped up car, and blast Korean Music.
Explore the Orient.

Bake Bake Bake Bake

2009-07-15T22:30:00.003+01:00

Yesterday, Sylverine and I had a baking day at my house. And how wonderful was it?
UBER Wonderful.
It was good having Sylverine around the house after so long for just good old baking.
We made all new stuff this time:
Lemon Drizzle Cake
Carrot Cake and
Ginger Snaps.

And O my goodness, they were all successes! Yum. Epic Win.
Considering it was the first time making these three things, things turned out just about perfect.
The frosting of the carrot cake? Just..wow.
I was impressed. With myself.
LOL

Thank you Syl. For a WONDERFUL day =D

EDIT: For Hana. The picture isn't very good. I'm baking again tomorrow, and I'll try and get a better photo or four.

Playlists

2009-07-09T22:19:00.006+01:00

Hmm. Lately, I can't say I've been sleeping well. There is no clear reason for this. However, to balance out the uncoolness of the lack of good sleep, I've been putting playlists together to suit my moods.

I've even asked a few friends to put together playlists for me. So, my request to you is this; if you've got nothing better to do, please, write a playlist for me. Just a series of songs that suit eachother, and would be good to listen to. Things you like. Things I like. Things that remind you of good times. Things that remind you of bad times. Whatever. Put the songs together. Recent, old, in English, not in English. All is welcome.

Here is a current goodie of a playlist someone sent me:

Taeyang - Only Look at Me
Taeyang - Make Love
Drake - Best I Ever Had
Wheesung - Insomnia
Super Junior - Why I Like You
Super Junior - It’s You
Cobra Starship - Good Girls Go Bad
Untouchable - My Boo
All American Rejects - I Wanna
Nine Days - Absolutely (Story of a Girl)
Boyz II Men - Down on Bended Knee
Big Bang - We Belong Together
Big Bang - Come Be My Lady
Gym Class Heroes - Cupids Chokehold
Robin Thicke - Lost Without You
AJ Rafael - She Was Mine
AJ Rafael - Showstopper
The Maine - Everything I Ask For
The Maine - I Must Be Dreaming
Craig David - Officially Yours
Elliot Yamin - Wait For You
Extreme - More Than Words
J Holiday - Suffocate
Jason Mraz - I’m Yours
Keri Hilson - Knock You Down
Shayne Ward - Breathless
Taio Cruz – She’s Like a Star

I am...McLoving

2009-06-26T16:57:00.011+01:00

It feels really strange to think that my University career, my time at the Dictator, is officially over.
Gosh I'm going to miss it too much. Coming to the end of it and realising, 'wow this is really the end, I have no reason to be here' is rather unsettling.
I thought to myself that I wouldn't miss this place, and yes, I mocked those people who said they would miss it, and yeeeees, I also complained about how this place drained me of all spirit and creativity.
AND YET!! I feel really SAD. That it's OVER. When in life do you get to have experiences like those of university? It's an epic place. And the Dictator was amazing.

I'm now in an uber loving mood. Over the course of my dissertation, it dawned on me that this is really the end. And I have to tell everyone how much I love them..and I read this:

Do not keep the alabaster boxes of your love and tenderness sealed up until your friends are dead. Fill their lives with sweetness, speak cheering words while their ears can hear, and while their hearts can be thrilled and made happier by them.

So here goes:

Thank you for being a part of my experiences at the Dictator. It's been an epic three years and I wouldn't change it for the world. I absolutely adore you all, and I don't think I would be the person I am today if it wasn't for you all being there. Thank you. I ♥ you all.

well here's a lolcat =)

I Can Has Cheezburger

2009-06-21T21:06:00.005+01:00

It's been a bit of a nightmare-ish week, culminating in the mahoosive nightmare, my brother's wedding.
I'm not going to go into it. I'm just so immensely tired that I actually managed to fall asleep AT my laptop twice in less than 24 hours.

What's keeping me happy?--->LOLcats.

Gosh, I have been flicking through these pictures for almost an hour now and the time just flew by..
I love lolcats.

Here's a few I felt like sharing because they were o so cute. More cute than funny to be honest.

That was me every day for the past week. ^^

“Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance?”

2009-05-31T20:28:00.004+01:00

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop.

I'd love to say that I've come to the end of university and stopped. But Oh No, it appears I have stopped just short of the end. Dissertation Distress has struck, my friends. And so
'The time has come,' the walrus said, 'to talk of many things: of shoes and ships - and sealing wax - of cabbages and kings.'

These past few days in London have been wonderful, and so my camera has been dug up from beneath the pile of lecture notes, dusted off and taken out to ensnare many an unwitting moment.
Insofar, I feel that my pangs for creativity are momentarily staved off, but I fear a creativity binge coming on straight after this is officially over. God knows what I'll do.

It's been a while since I've updated on the Korea situation. Although I have about 4 recruiters on my side, ready to find me schools, jobs for October/November won't be released until August/September. Lame. What's UBER lame is the current political situation out there. Even from within my bubble, the news of North Korea's threats to break the 50 year ceasefire (or whatever you want to call it) with South Korea if they start searching their ships or whatnot, has reached me.
Total bummer.
I hope this thing blows over soon.

Anyway, since I'm avoiding my dissertation, I thought I'd cover one of the topics in my list of Rant-cid Milk.
Disappointing Definitions. Don't you just abhor when you read the title/blurb of something, get a fair bit excited, delve into it (be it a novel, film, food, substance) and find that it fails your expectations?
I can't really say much more than this but when that happens I just groan and think 'WHAT posessed you to define this in such a wonderful way then fail to come up with the goods?! Do you have any IDEA how disappointed I am?! ANY?!' Goh.

On another thread (can you tell I just need to get some thoughts out on 'paper(?)') before I forget, things to go on my 'To Do Before 30' list.

Obviously, it's impossible to predict how much of this eventual list I will be able to actually do, however, the next (now) nine years are pretty big. Lots can be done.
I'll make small goals as well as bigger ones. But all the time, keeping it as close to realistic and attainable as possible.

1) Live abroad.
2) Go to a fan meet.
3) Do the grown up things--> Get a career and married.
4) Learn to drive (I know, I know, I should have done this years ago but ..well)
5) Sing, with someone on a guitar/piano, and record it.
6) Roller blade through Hyde Park early on a Sunday morning.
7) Become truly proficient in the languages I have learnt so far, and learn another one.
8) Write a selection of short stories (not for publication)
9) Go to Disney World
10) See Neuschwanstein Castle.

She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it)
We'll see.

The need for Speed

2009-05-24T15:04:00.003+01:00

I know it's dreadful but sometimes, I wish things would just get on with it. I feel like everything is going way too slowly for my liking. Stop and start.
And so, I feel the need for Speed. The pills. The pace. Take it as you will, but I need it.
Exams are finally over and I slugged my way through the first 2 weeks of dissertation time. Although I was having a weekly meeting with my tutor, I just didn't DO anything until the last 2 days, and that's only because he set a deadline.

No matter how much I complain about it, I kinda feel the need for urgency. The feeling that things HAVE to happen because if they don't, the consequences are unthinkable.
The whole applying thing for Korea is going SO slowly because jobs for October/Novemeber aren't even out yet! So I'm just sitting on my hands, waiting for something to happen.
Why am I constantly waiting? Why is so impossible to just go out and get what I want/need.

Who would have thought I would still be whinging about waiting and stemmed-creativity and angsty teenage-ness well into my 20s. Because really, that's what I am now. TWENTY ONE! Holy mofo and what have I got to show for it?! I've done nothing I want to do.
I'm beginning to think I should write a 'To do by 30' list. Then maybe I'll have some DIRECTION.

In this moment, of this hour

2009-04-05T01:11:00.001+01:00

It's past one o' clock in the morning, London time (ofcourse).
I don't know why I'm still awake and writing here.
I'm listening to Priscilla Ahn's 'Dream' and I just wish I had someone to play the acoustic guitar for me as I sing.

I'm not drowsy in the least. My mind is buzzing with possibilities for my future; Summer, Seoul, Teaching, Flying, Experiencing, Life, People, the World, the WORD..

Completing these last few months of my degree feels like drawing blood from a stone. But then, it is over. And I can Be.
Will I miss this life I lead? Somewhat. Will I look back and feel sadness. No.

It feels like this place, this System, it's just bringing me down. Stemming my creativity. Instead of broadening my horizons, I feel enclosed. Like a hooded falcon.

Why am I writing this here? I don't know.
My fingers ache with the need to type these words but I don't know where they'll go and where they'll end.
So I shall stop. And savour this aching luxury of so many words and thoughts.
There may come a day when I become....thoughtless.

Green Tea.

2009-02-19T00:50:00.006Z

You're the one who'll be drugged to get wed to Gyasi and you'll get married in that Ilford Cultural centre.
Or if you're really swanky, in the East London Msque Hall. And you'll turn up in some old school merc outside ELM and you'll be wearing a black coat over your wedding outift.
Which would be a REALLY glittery red ...and gold.....

JEANS AND HOODY!
Then Gyasi will turn up with a giant beard, dressed in that brown duffle coat of his, in a safari jeep. And Yoshi will turn around and go, OMG, Gyasi's grown a beard. And she'll have that face on.
Then, she'll spot Mooby, hot on Gyasi's heels and say 'O he's nice' and she'll be planning how to do the bridesmaid-best man connection thing.
When SUDDENLY, MI6 arrive and cart off Gyasi. Why? Because he is brown, young, bearded and from East London.
And so you'll have to marry Mooby! And Yoshi will be hugely jealous....UNTIL!!
HiMar arrives! All dressed up in black and white checked regalia. And makes the announcement!! THAT LEON IS SUNNI!!
And Yoshi rushes into his arms!
And the Mullah begins the process of marrying Yoshi/Leon and You/Mooby.
But THEN!
Nimbura grabs the mic...to make ANOTHER announcement...he seems serious.
'Could the owner of the Aston Martin Vanquish double marked by the 80s merc (the bridal vehicle) please remove itself. It is blocking up the main road'
Typical East london style.
BUT BUT BUT!!
It's none other than Bafta! And she comes running!!
To announce that she has fallen for Nimbura and they are getting married!
SHOCKER OF THE CENTURY!!
You faint.
Yoshi faints.
NIMBURA faints!!
Bafta realises she's not making sense and has been drugged! SO SHE FAINTS TOO!!
It was something in her tea.
I'm left holding the mic with the hall spontaneously FAINTING around me...
AND THEN!!
AND THEN! Daniel Henney walks in! AND HE PROPOSES TO ME!!
I ask him if I'll be able to tell people or whether we should keep it quiet. He says it's fine and he'll pick me up after the wedding.
And like a dream, he leaves.
BUT THEN YOU GUYS COME AROUND! And I try and try and try to tell you he came and proposed! But none of you believe me.
I think it may have been something in my tea.
The Mullah returns after his extended bathroom break and you guys try to marry me off to him! Since he's he only single guy going!
AND THEN!
GUACAMOLE GETS IN ON THE ACTION!
She swans in on the arm of that french model dude.
But....her eyes meet with someone's across the room...
She slips away from the model man...
She's drifting across the 'dancefloor'...
Past the DJ you hired to play bhangra...
Dodging the mad Xena and her dance partner Ras Malaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai..
Shoes sticking to the fallen jalebis and the party popper strings we popped earlier in announcement of yours and Mooby's wedding..
AND STRAIGHT INTO THE ARMS OF NONE OTHER THAN JACK DANIELS!!

SHOCKER OF THE MILLENIUM!!
Meanwhile, Bafta is coming around, and now wants Jack Daniels too.
Nimbura feels on more steady ground and goes and marries his best friend in secret...
Bafta and Guacamole start fighting..
with...
KHUSSAY! (the shoes) from UNZE, Green street. Buy one get one half price. This week only.
AND THEN! MI6 burst in and drop Gyasi back in the action!
He gets completely pummelled in the Guacamole/Bafta war for JD.
You rip off the glittery hood of your glittery hoody to shield him. 'Everybody! DROP THE UNZE!', you cry.
Guacamole and Bafta are blinded by the bling and stumble backwards, losing their footing. And foot wear.
There's a sharp intake of breath from everyone.
SCREECH's HAIR!!!
The thing we have all seen 3cm of, but no more!!
IS EXPOSED!!
Everybody stops.
Freeze this frame people. Let's see where we all are:
Guacamole and Bafta have fallen over due to the blinded-ness.
JackDaniels is chuckling alone, with his gaggle of girls around him....so not so alone I guess.
Leon and Yoshi are trying to find a halal 'room'.
HiMar has gone back to being militant.
Nimbura is outside trying to steal the Vanquish with his new wifey while Bafta is still stunned. The new Bonnie and Clyde.
I'm still trying to convince people that Henney came and LEFT while y'all were unconscious. In fact, I'm shouting it into the ear of a decrepit granny with slippers.
MI6 are looking at us all like we're freaks.
And you're standing in the middle of it all with no hood on your hoody (from footlocker; closing down sale. Credit crunch you know).
Being your wedding planner, I grab the nearest shiny thing and chuck it at your head.
It turns out, the thing I've just chucked at your head is the foil paper from the main curry dish for your wedding meal.
A lone tear of curry makes it's way down the side of your face,
THEN CORMMA ARRIVES! The coven of recently married medics' association. All self righteous and thinking they're better than the singletons.
They start to pair people up:
Nimbura is long gone with the car.
Mooby and Bafta decide to get it together.
Guacamole marries Jack Daniels.
You marry Gyasi.
Yoshi and Leon have 'disappeared' (but 9 months later a very halal baby comes into the world, named ELMA after the mosque).
CORMMA leaves feeling very smug.
But then...
People start to take pity on me..
Because I'm alone.
And apparently crazy on my drugged tea.
Then the Mullah rips off his beard and thobe!
TO REVEAL HE IS DANIEL HENNEY!
AND MUSLIM!
AND HE PRESIDED OVER ALL YOUR WEDDINGS!!
And you guys were trying to marry me off to the mullah earlier and all along it was him!
He's presenting me with a ring!
We start to sing for all the newly weds.
We sing Aint no Mountain High Enough, to demonstrate that you guys have come and crossed many boundaries to get married..
MI6 men are crying in the corner. They think Muslims are beautiful and wonderful
And all the wars in the muslim world end. And then DH announces he has 4 cinderella carriages waiting outside!! And a white charger for him and me.
Turns out, he had got the pumpkins from the local market and had some fairy magic work from Prozac! Prozac the manic depressive fairy! (his parents weren't expecting him to end up the way he did clearly. He inherited the recessives..)
Prozac felt he had to do a good deed to get back in with us lot. He figured, doing the carriages was the least he could do.
So DH and I get onto the horse. And as the brides are getting into their carriages, you notice there's already a resident in yours!
It's SOLEIT! SHE MADE IT TO THE WEDDING AFTER ALL!!
Not only that! She fell in love with an MI6 agent!! A BROWN MAN!
She gets out and hops onto her MI6 agent man's motorbike, and they ride off into the sunset. She flies a banner as they leave. From a distance, we can just about read what it says: 'Abstain from pain!'
The brides proceed to get into the carriages.
Husbands ride on top. The way guys ride on trains in bollywood movies.
And we ride down to whitechapel.
Where all the people of East London unite in an amazingly choreographed dance spectacular!
Everyone has matching outfits, smiles and does the same dance moves in time!
Traffic stops as people dance around the traffic lights in saris and dhotis.
And everyone is joyful.

THE END

To see new beauty in what is vanishing

2009-02-13T21:58:00.002Z

I had a surreal moment the other day..
It was a cold morning and a watery sunlight was streaming into the kitchen as I was having my toast, looking out into the garden through the back doors. And there alighted a beautiful little robin on the fence. The red of its breast was so odd in a grey, green and brown coloured winter garden. And although I had drawn many a robin on a christmas card in my first decade of life, I'd never seen a robin before! I live in outer London and it was a perfect moment for me. Obviously the first thing I did was grab my phone and take a picture before the moment vanished..But it was just...the perfect start to the day.

The Outrage!

2009-02-12T00:22:00.005Z

I can't sleep so here we go. I shall relate my experience of feeling intensely outraged today.

First off, I was on my way home and at *every* stage there was a chick on crutches blocking up the stairs up and out or in and down in the Underground.

Now, I know that makes me sound like a dreadful person but it didn't actually bother me until I sat down on the train and ..

*clkclack...clkclack....clkclack...* And there she was...the Crocodile to my Captain Hook. And she plonked herself down in front of me.

Again, this would not normally irritate me.

A woman sat down next to me and the Crocodile says to her 'O watch out for my leg. I need to have it stretched out. Because I broke it'. Woman politely asks what happened. Crocodile responds smugly 'Skiing'.

AGAIN not a problem.

Then the problem happened. It happened! SHE GOT ON THE PHONE! I hate it when people get on the phone on trains. Specially when you're at a shared table thingy...on a quiet train. It's a total lack of respect for the people around you. I always get off the phone when I get on the train (unless it's not quiet). Uff!!
And the conversations?!
First: On the phone to mum, about her leg and her physio;
Second: On the phone to some guy, about her leg and her physio and how nice it is to get away from London for a while and being at home;
Third: On the phone to some chick, about her leg and her physeio and how nice it is to get away from London for a while and being at home just relaxing and being with the family;
Fourth: Long conversation on the phone about how she's been invited to the Hunters' Ball by Flora. Flora says dress code is pretty relaxed and you could get away with just wearing a long dress. Ths is great because it will hide her foot and yet she can still look like everyone else. You know FLORA has a closet full of long dresses. Hunters' Ball looks fun, just hanging around with some friends over some drinks. Hopefully my leg will be ok by then.

*sound of scratching record*
WAIT A MINUTE, did I just say MY LEG?! O yes! She talked for the entire twenty minute journey. Got in my head. Hate her. HATE HATE HATE. SMASH SMASH SMASH.
Hunting in my opinion is a no-no. I understand that foxes can be a pest and I guess sure, those who live in the country would know best whether culling is required. However, I don't feel that chasing a fox down after hours on your horse with your frikkin' dogs chasing it until it's out of it's mind in fear, then setting upon it and ripping it to shreds, is humane (wow long sentence).

So I didn't hate her THAT much but ogh the hunting infuriated me...That's all for now.
Tomorrow, I'll relate my supreme lame-ness from today. ^^

Things going on right now

2009-02-04T12:10:00.003Z

To begin, I will discuss the snow. Because that's all everyone is talking about and I feel like talking about it too. I love it. It has brought everything to a standstill. Tubes, trains, buses. All stopped. Thanks to the glorious snow. For the moment, I don't understand why everyone's so annoyed. There was such a sense of peace on Monday morning when everything was...under.
The Newsreaders are dividing the response loosely into two camps really: the 'IhateBoriswhyhasn'thedoneanythingtofixthissituationIcan'tgettowork' and the 'lovesnowofftoplay'. The first group is adults and the second, children. Loosely. I'm glad I can still count myself as a child. I made a mama bear and a baby bear. Out of snow. Love it. My parents thought I was crazy. I'm tempted to agree.

Also in the news is that 2009 is the worst year for university graduates seeking jobs. Wonderful. An excuse to spend the recession being a bum and my mother can't say ANYTHING!! MWAHAHAHA.
Actually, I intend to skip the country. As anyone who knows me will know. If you don't know me and don't know, well now you know. Do you feel in the know? I know you do. :P
So, I'm making my plans to go to Korea/Taiwan to teach English and I believe it'll be crazy good. I'm a little bit terrified, but I'll get over it. I'll finally escape the clutches of the obligations of being the youngest daughter. People may think there are none. Specially those who are not the youngest daughter, but really you have no idea what it's like. It has it's positives but let's be real now. It sucks a lot.
BUT KOREAAAAAAAAAAAAA (or Taiwan). How cool is that? I can't believe I'm actually going to do it. I hope it all pans out and I get a position out there. My recruiters say it should be no trouble. But still... pray for me. Everyone is free to crash at my place if my place is big enough. For free.

Also in recent news (of my life) is...errm...I don't know. I guess I'm a little bit happy right now. Mosying along as you do. Overall I guess you could say I'm happy. Not 100%, but who cares about that pesky 25%?! It's all about the golden 75%(of me that is joyous). I really want a polar bear/panda/cow hat.

Skywalker now walks. Albeit holding stuff but still. She makes me happy.

I have bundles of coursework to get through but there's no MS Word....(you thought I was going to say time; there is time but no Word. My laptop is being evil and it makes me want to cry when I'm not running around being joyous for no apparent reason).
I've lugged my monster laptop all the way into university today, through sleet and snow shall we say. in order to get the IT help people to help. They say 'Come back at 12'. Came back at 12 and they say 'Come back at 12:30'. Gosh what DIFFERENCE does it make. So mean. I feel jilted- like a lover.

There's a song I heard on the radio this morning. Called 'Say I am Wonderful' or something. It made me that little bit more happy.

Yuki sama

2009-02-02T09:17:00.001Z

The snow is absolutely epic (for me). Never have i experienced anything like it. So so so joyous. Tried to make it to the station but the roads are a nightmare and no buses!I made a snow bear, yuki sama. He looks sad but i assure you he is ecstatic. Its at times like these i wish my brother and sister were around.

Totoro-in at university

2009-01-18T15:32:00.002Z

My only friend. Totoro. Keeping me company at university on a SUNDAY (abomination) bashing out an essay.

Fighting!

An abomination

2008-12-22T11:18:00.001Z

In the words of stephen fry,'Absolute stool water'.

Yellow Fever

2008-12-17T19:21:00.008Z

It's been a month since my last post, so I guess I intend to try to make this a good read for my ~~readers~~ reader (hi 'Sylverine').
The past month has been a bit hectic with uni and lots of coursework deadlines. But it's also been a brilliant month in terms of my planning of my future and ahemYellowFeverahem. To counter the length (and lameness) of this post, I will be putting in pretty pictures.

Today, I had to present my research proposal on sexual selection at 9.30. So I got to my local station at 8:20 so I could get to the Dictator bright and early. HOWEVER, somebody had taken ill on the train ahead of us, which meant I got to Victoria at 9:05!! *shock* 30 minute train ride?! what WHAT?! Disastrous. I needed to buy tights because my legs were freezing under my skirt, but NO TIME!! THERE WAS A QUEUE!. Ogh. Dreadful.
Anyway, I managed to make it just in the nick of time to find I was LAST. To do my presentation. LAST! O the drama.
O well, after getting more and more nervous and watching some rather brilliant presentations, I had to do mine. It went ok, but only later did I realise I used the words 'sperm', 'high quality' and 'monopolise the goodness' in ONE sentence. How unbelievably embarassing. It took me back to that day in bio with the gerbils and the ...well..you remember.

Later in the day, Schooto, Mong and I tried to get high on relentless. It took a while to kick in really. And even then, it was only for a short time. Boohoo. On the bright side, I got to share my love of the yellow with them. And now I shall with you.

Song Seung Heon and Kwon Sang Woo. Two actors I discovered in my watching of korean chick flicks. So much love for them. They are soo funny. And although Kwon Sang woo doesn't seem to photograph well, he has a brilliant smile in My Tutor Friend. Song Seung Heon and his children's fairy tale scene in 'The Guy Was Cool' still makes me giggle. Every time. He's in a Kdrama East of Eden too. Must watch I think.
Also a must watch is the film with BOTH of them in it,together! Fate. The picture here is the poster for the film.

From Korean Chick flicks, I moved into KPop. Bi Rain is a megastar (conquering Asia and stepped into the US) and initially I was fangirling out about him. But then, I saw the making of one of his videos and he just had NO personality.

And so my current favourite band for their awesome AWESOME ness is DBSK (Dong Bang Shin Ki). As guys they are hilarious and as singers they are powerful. Dancing isn't all that bad either (FANTASTIC). They're like every boy group rolled into one, and according to Sylverine, Girls Aloud too (I don't see it).

Considering they're such funny guys, there aren't many candid shots.
This link makes me tres happy, while this one makes me sad.

Taiwanese drama anyone? O YES please!! 'Miss No Good' starring Mandopop stars Pan Wei Bo and Rainie Yang. So cute. SO lame. But just happy smilie making. Dean Fujioka is SO pretty. And he's a GUY!. Ogh..just so...cartoon like in his perfectness.

Finally we have Daniel Henney. Half Korean and Half American. Phwoar he's man. I've shown him around and nobody denies that he is a bit of fit. Not even Schooto! And she thinks I'm an absolute loser with my Yellow Fever. Yet she still has to concede that the Henney is a bit of phwoar.
I was sharing him with Schooto and Mong when SurprisedbutGreatHair(SbGH) drops by to discuss our impending practical write up on Rotifers. He sees the Henney on the screen and hangs his head like 'What on Earth...' At one point his head was in my elbow (for a tall guy this is a long way to bend), and I thought, thank Goodness today was Chanel Mademoiselle day and not that foul BerryDelicious (DKNY). It was an odd moment.
Anyhoo. SbGH thinks he doesn't have an American accent. He so does. Which is odd, considering he didn't go to an American English type school. Odd really.

O the Daniel Henney.
I endeavour to go to the X Men-origins movie premiere. I wonder if he'll turn up.
Enough rambling for today. More another day. I'm sure you look forward to it :D

Monday Morning, Pre-10 AM Stories

2008-11-17T09:26:00.005Z

#1: In Victoria, I saw a wonderful camel-coloured boxer dog. Looked to be about 6 months old. Every few moments, its owner would tug it by the leash so hard, it would be pulled up onto its hind legs! This happened more than three times and I just couldn't stop watching. Why? Because just after each tug, when the pup was released, it would turn up and look at its owner with such a beseeching expression: 'Why are you doing this? I expected so much more from you'
Heinous anthropomorphisation there.

#2: 'Where yer roads would be, there's Wa-a!*'
Exclaimed the woman walking ahead of me along exhibition road. With her manner of speech, she sweepingly marred the description of Venice.
Her friend responds, 'Wo'! You mean no cars!'
I didn't expect such chavviness in South Kensington. Specially when I had just journeyed in from Croydon-land of the Chav.

#3: Perfect photo moments. As I was coming up Exhibition Road, a flock of pigeons suddenly took flight. Don't get me wrong, I think they are flying vermin. However, with the sky cllouded over, and looking up at the dome of the Victoria and Albert museum, with the pigeons peppering from the bottom right to the top left of the sky (in what would have been the frame). It was just a perfect moment. And I wish I had had my camera with me.

#4: What's worse than both those seperate events is the following; entering uni, and hearing Beyonce screeching out of the radio in the little canteen. Beyonce. She knows how to make one word go on for several bars no? I wish she would just stop. It feels like since leaving Destiny's Child, there's no one to restrain her and stop her warbling to her hearts content.

#5: Britain's obsession with the gruesome. Before I left the house today, I turned on the TV and it just happened to be on the channle broadcasting GMTV. As ever, on the hour, the news at 7 began. First story? Baby P. It's as though our Island is in the thrall of the tragedy that is Baby P. The facebook group has over 153000 members. The captions on the photos in this group are all along the line of 'You were too good for this world gorgeous baby-RIP'.
Is this today's equivalent of heart felt words? Empty words. It's crazy.
And it's not the first time that the British public has gone completely nuts about the latest abused child and managed to stretch the story out for 6months or more. I mean, to name a few, Holly (was it Molly?) and Jessica, Madeleine and now 'Baby P'.
Common factors? All blonde blue eyed arian children.
But people focus on one death for months. I'm sorry, but I guess I've become desensitised to this.
There are children being abused all over the world, dying in dire circumstances, children riddled with injuries from a war they don't understand, and all the British public can go ON about is One blonde kid. I think it's sad that our media can't shed light on more injustices in the world. I think it's sad that the people of this land are so..simple. So simple to get het up over one injustice, and are completely unaware, or simply being ignorant of how wide the world is.
Sometimes, I feel as though the public glean some sort of perverse pleasure out of feeling this false sympathy for kids like Baby P. Like, by joining a facebook group, and slagging off the mother shows that they are compassionate people, and they've done their bit.

When is enough, enough?

Rather funny facebook thread

2008-11-13T20:55:00.004Z

Mozzarella wrote at 6:13pm on September 21st, 2008
I look...like a monkey

Sylverine (Queen Mary University of London) wrote at 6:42pm on September 21st, 2008
Are you being racist?

Ted (King's College London) wrote at 6:46pm on September 21st, 2008
To yourself?!

Mozzarella wrote at 6:50pm on September 21st, 2008
...Where is the racism in this?I'm saying, I look like a monkey. This makes me sad.

Sylverine (Queen Mary University of London) wrote at 6:53pm on September 21st, 2008
...the monkey bit...

Mozzarella wrote at 6:55pm on September 21st, 2008
HOW?!I look like a monkey!! MY FACE LOOKS LIKE A MONKEY!The least you could do is disagree! Not say I'm racist!

Sylverine (Queen Mary University of London) wrote at 6:59pm on September 21st, 2008
According to cricket, monkey is racist

Mozzarella wrote at 7:26pm on September 21st, 2008
O I see...I call everyone monkeys..and I'm not being racist. Shall I tell you why? Because life isn't cricket. Cricket it *your* life :)

Dink (Warwick) wrote at 10:08am on September 22nd, 2008
Lol. Everything about this page cracks me up :D

Mozzarella wrote at 10:50am on September 22nd, 2008
SOMEONE could disagree with me now re: monkey face

Ted (King's College London) wrote at 12:50pm on September 22nd, 2008
Oh sorry, Mozzarella... You don't look like a monkey you silly, um, banana?

Woman (Brunel) wrote at 8:46pm
I've just come across this. And laughed. Lots. :D

Mozzarella wrote at 8:52pm
O you're so evil

Social Convention

2008-10-20T20:03:00.002+01:00

Social convention and courtesy. I'm finding it a real trial.
The little courtesies that must be followed in order to prevent estrangement.
You'd think that I'd be above the playground politics by now. Definitely not.

I believe that the Dictator has destroyed me. Broken me down. After building me up in the first year, breaking me down to my most basic of elements, ie. the solitary me, in the second, I'm waiting for the gentle rebuilding of the new me in the final year.

I had an epiphany over the summer. A moment where suddenly it all became clear to me. Out with the old, in with the new I say. Tired of social convention, and tired of being nice when I dont want to be. Sick of making such an effort with people when they do not return the favour.
The people of the Dictator have actually destroyed my spirit. That saying, it isn't possible for something to do something to you unless you let it. My meaning being, I have let things overwhelm me.

But in this Autumn, I am beginning my own personal rennaissance. It will be brilliant... a masterpiece. Out with all these fripperies and finery of false joviality. I will smile. I will be happy. I will leave those from the past and take in my future.
The time is now. Am I ready for it...

I'm going to bake a cake and mull this over.

Not moved..

2008-10-16T12:11:00.001+01:00

Oddly,i am still in the throes of a cold happiness; i love london sometimes.

This moment..is wondrous.

2008-10-16T11:54:00.002+01:00

Im sitting on a bench in Sloane square,feeling the rumble of the train beneath me, reading a book and generally just watching the crisp red leaves fall. I find myself strangely happy. The air around has that finger numbing bitterness of cold and change which is just SO london, and it feels right. This moment. I wish it could go on like this but then the banality would set in. I would habituate. And like every other londoner,i would begin to complain.
But. They say you know, you just know,when something feels right.

Eating feet is wrong

2008-10-10T12:23:00.001+01:00

Who reads the ft with one arm above his head and the other at his hip?!

In other news,im officially no longer a Hawk-ette. Leaving do is this weekend. Looking forward to it somewhat.
Also, im back at the Dictator. I hate it. I cant wait till its over and i can squee about what i want to do with my life. But for now..i hate the Dictator with a passion. On the bright side,yesterday, a girl told me she liked my [fashion] style this brightened my day on the slight. However today, my super cute shoes have decided to take a bite out of the back of my feet. This is not cute.
End of the week..at least theres no dictatorship over the weekend.

Here come real stars

2008-09-29T02:54:00.001+01:00

Here come real stars to fill the upper skies,
And here on earth come emulating flies,
That though they never equal stars in size,
(And they were never really stars at heart)
Achieve at times a very star-like start.
Only, of course, they can't sustain the part.

Ay, there's the rub.

2008-09-25T03:46:00.002+01:00

I'm restless and I can't sleep. So, not understanding it, I draw my laptop towards me and think about what to write and yet what I conjure is as light as air. I find myself riddled with thoughts, plots, ideas, people, music, wonders and nowhere to rest them. And so they race.

I see your brows are full of discontent,
Your hearts of sorrow, and your eyes of tears.

This is only fleeting, like a sudden mist gathering over a cliffside town, but when I wake, I hope things are clearer.

We are such stuff that dreams are made on; and our little life is rounded with a sleep.

I feel like my brain is buzzing. I'm already feeling the straight-jacket of stress. Though for the moment, there is nothing immediately pressing, I can feel it approaching. Is it just me or is this feeling common? I constantly find myself wishing to escape.

Liberty! Freedom! Tyranny is dead!
Run hence, proclaim, cry it about the streets!

O but that day should crawl closer and be sooner..

To sleep, perchance to dream- ay, there's the rub

Life imitates art

2008-09-21T22:52:00.012+01:00

It must be wrong of me to aspire to live the american sitcom.

A while ago, Sylverine mentioned she couldn't wait till we're older and we could invite eachother over for tea and chat.

I finally get what she was on about.

I was just watching some random sitcom (My Boys) and I realised how much I wished I had an apartment door to close after a gang of my friends came 'round with food and drink for a night in.

Just an evening of good times yknow? Even if it's just settling in front of the TV to watch crappy stuff. Staying late because you're in a friend's home and not constrained by anything.

And then I thought about Will and Grace and Friends, and I adore that people are always dropping in just to hang out.

I want that.

And so I now take back my scoffing at Sylverine at wishing away our youth because now I see it.

I look forward to when I'm an older and more mature cheese (although mozzarella is best fresh), and I am going to have an eclectic apartment (in London?), which will be decked out with exotic things from my travels, and photographs taken by me, blown up and framed on the walls.

To this apartment I will invite Sylverine and hopefully other people who love me enough to overlook my atrocious eccentricities ( a nice way of saying idiocy).

I looked upon the wonderland

2008-09-20T00:35:00.003+01:00

rupsi says:
i hate zefron
ms. zammil says:
o
ms. zammil says:
I see
rupsi says:
dont you?
ms. zammil says:
no..
ms. zammil says:
I like his name
ms. zammil says:
he sounds like a fabric soap
ms. zammil says:
Zac Efron! Get your whites whiter!

Sylverine is my favourite friend and I am so glad to have her.
She says 'Sometimes, you are so funny'.

I feel joyous.

Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

2008-09-19T09:12:00.008+01:00

I'm dancing to some mellow jazz at a wedding and it appears that I am in a white wedding dress. Beehive hairstyle. Very 60s bollywood. This is all very odd.

Then, I spot this man sitting at one of the (round) tables on the edge of the dancefloor, watching me. I walk over to him and I clearly know him. He's an older man, broad in chest and shoulders but lean all over. Navy gorgeously cut suit. And rather attractive.

I have good taste.

'What are you doing here?' I ask.

'I'm here to see you' he answers as he stands.

He shakes out a giant piece of white chiffon as he begins to move to the music with me. He tosses it into the air, and it lands on my head but instead of looking like a buffoon, it lands like a bridal veil.

We continue to move until he says we need to talk. Together we leave the dancefloor and sit at a table on our lonesomes at the back of the hall.

He puts a box on the table and it's clear I've been waiting for this.

I open the box and inside is a Tiffany's box.

Inside the box is this hideous monster of a ring, with no stone! My jaw drops and he laughs at me.

'Open the ring' he says. I proceed to unscrew what should have been the stone and find yet another flat metal expanse with a Tiffany's logo engraving.

Clocking onto what's going on now, I uscrew that. Again, flat metal and Tiffany's.

My ring was some sort of russian doll thing hmm? So I continue in this theme, until I'm thinking ' My diamond must be miniature'..

I keep going though, until I reach what must be the last casing. My sister has arrived on the scene at this point. I unscrew and again my jaw drops. There is nothing there.

He sits and laughs as he shows me a hidden compartment in the box which I completely missed.

He opens something shaped like a bullet casing and inside is a coloured diamond about 2.5 carats big. Putting it in my hand, he asks me to marry him.

Gazing at the stone in my palm, I hear my sister telling me to take it and marry him.

Looking from diamond to him and back, I tell him I need to think about it because suddenly I am daunted by the fact that this stone, once made into a ring cements the fact that I'm marrying him. For EVER.

We sit and we have dinner together and then --

knockknock

O sweet aargh...I am woken by builders knocking on my door.

What did the dream mean? I have no idea. I had no time to contemplate it as I hurriedly donned something vaguely acceptable and went to explain where the door and window should be in the developing extension.

Puff go my sleeves

2008-09-16T18:26:00.004+01:00

Today was a good day.
As I write this, my scarf has kindly moulted all over my jumper and my toes huddle and curl in the attempt of warming themselves in my shoes.

It was fun being the patronising awkward mother/teacher of the school of virtue.

I dont know how long I'll be able to keep my position though:

"I like chests.i like them flat.like christian bale's...ooh christian bale..mmm...aargh its ramadan!"

Ted departs for spain in a few days. I hope she watches out for herself. I still see her as a child even though I shouldn't.

I bought a cute dress..

Yes it's been a good day.

Bestanak

2008-09-10T11:00:00.005+01:00

I don't want to. Really. One of the applicants for the position of Man Of My Eye (MOME) emailed me this morning. So far, I don't like his height, or name. And i havent even seen his pic yet. Does this make me shallow?..yes. Which deadly sin have i succumbed to now? Little bit of vanity, bit of pride?
Is it too much to ask that my MOME is somewhat like the leading male in elissa's bitmoun video.
I have a sneaky feeling (sneaky like a punch in the face) that my MOME will not transpire through my mother's connections.

What am I Going to do?

Wait

Indifference and neglect often do more damage than outright dislike

2008-09-08T15:39:00.005+01:00

It seems that to counter the numbers of those that do not abstain although they are obligated to, there is an equal and opposite force of people who abstain out of choice.

It can really disappoint one.

I don't know how I should feel about this.

So I just won't.

Or at least I'll try not to.

Post-Script

2008-09-07T18:32:00.003+01:00

Sometimes, I feel that it would have been better to have left some things and people as mere ink spills on the pages of the past.

Instead, I invite them into chapters of the future.

'Big mistake. Huge.'

When it rains, it pours.

2008-09-06T20:06:00.003+01:00

Two wonderfuls in one day. Truly an intoxicating experience.

The one from last week came back today. This led to many a giggle between red and I. She even decided not to go and get a drink in order to watch how things panned out with river and I. River is my name for him.

The other wonderful was just the nicest of guys. Much jovial conversation occurred... I love when people (like him) are open and relaxed. And you can talk and be honest and not have to drive a sale. At the Hawk they're all about driving home the sale. Sell sell sell. Watching you like you are their baby Hawks trying to seize the fattest, juiciest, plumpest of prey.

That. Is. Lame. Play fair. Be honest. People will appreciate it.

I sound like the worst sales assistant on the planet.
O well. Not long left at the Hawk anyway.

And yet...today's customers, particularly the second wonderful (now christened Strudel)...
Strudel was just so adorable. I love when you discover people's quirks. Makes me wonder what kind of quirks I have that I always express.

Aside: Slim at the Hawk says I overuse wonderful...I dono. WHICH reminds me...I mustn't forget to have a good rant about the new kid on the block at work. Brat, let's call her. Complete and utter spoiled brat. She makes my skin crawl.

I like to talk. All the hawks at the Hawk say I become friends with the customers. Well..that's me. I like to talk to people and get to know them. I like that when they leave, they turn back and say 'It was really good talking to you'.

I like to leave a lasting impression.

Its days like these which make me think I'll miss the Hawk.

Through the Vine

2008-09-06T00:23:00.003+01:00

'The vine bears three kinds of grapes: the first of pleasure, the second of intoxication, the third of disgust. '

Said by Diogenes. Which one? I don't know. Reading around on Google, I assume this is in reference to alcohol. However, do we not often auto-categorise things in our day to day lives into pleasurable, intoxicating and disgusting?

Intoxication is something that can be attractive and compelling and yet also sometimes something so powerfully repugnant it draws you in.

Verily, intoxication is troubling grounds.

Looking at my list of Rant-cid Milk, I was thinking which I would write about next. Men in suits give me a certain pleasure. Rotten children and adults alike disgust me...what intoxicates me?

I predict the next few entries falling into these three categories; pleasure, disgust and intoxication.

Then I think you have to develop a kind of resistance to rejection.

2008-09-02T21:26:00.006+01:00

A few days ago I had another attack of singles' desperation. You know, the feeling that you're going to die alone because either a) you never think you're good enough for someone to love you or b) no one is good enough for you to love.
It was wild. I truly felt that I was on the edge of sanity.

I think the feeling arose out of a feeling of dejection and rejection. Ooh they rhyme!

Feeling rejected is not a hot feeling. I wasn't rejected by a bloke. No no, that would be horrifically embarassing, although that kind of hurt would be fleeting. It is the rejection of your friends which kills. And what's worse is thinking it's rejection when it could be something so simple and explainable, but your pride doesn't let you ask.

Ah Pride..
I never really think of myself as proud. But I do realise that sometimes my pride is like the glass window to a bee trapped in a room.

Being this bee trapped in the room, I'm forced to look through the window. Seeing the outside but not hearing it. And so I don't have a full understanding of my environment.
Hmm...this analogy seems to have carried itself further than I thought it would.

My pride is what stops me from being open to new people I guess. It's something that stops me from being free of inhibitions. Pride is what makes us look at people with different hair/clothes/accents and give them names like chav. You may say it's prejudice. But really it's our pride, the thing that makes us feel we're somehow better than them, that we have dominion over them. And so we name them.
Pride is lame....

Anyway. So this fiasco has led me to believe I'm going to be alone forever. If I can't even get my friends to like me, how am I going to get a bloke to love me?!

Aside Re: The wonderful from the Hawk. He didn't trick me twice. He didn't come in on Saturday, I rang, he said he'd see me on Sunday, I said no I work Wednesday, then I breezed over it all before he got a chance to say/do anything.

On Sunday, my mum put two proposals from some people she knows on my plate. I was shocked. Surprised. I said yes gimme gimme. Then an hour later I said no. These guys are from my land. Snapland. I don't like boys from Snapland generally. So I shouldn't waste their time.

Then I fell further into my dying-alone stupor.

What is it with my wanting to be with someone? Why can't I just be happy as I am?! I'm only twenty, coming to the end of my time at the Dictator, and I ought to be happy that I've got the next few years to figure out what I want in life. And yet I find myself falling into that hideous persona of a chick wishing to wed. As I said earlier, I think this may just be a side-effect of feeling rejected by Woody and Xia.
Nano says they're not worth my time. Sylverine agrees. Yoohoo advises the complete opposite. My mum says I should trust my instinct.

My instinct has me wanting a man in my life.

I need to shake myself out of it.

'You have to dream, you have to have a vision, and you have to set a goal for yourself that might even scare you a little because sometimes that seems far beyond your reach. Then I think you have to develop a kind of resistance to rejection, and to the disappointments that are sure to come your way.'

Might trick me once

2008-08-30T10:45:00.004+01:00

I had the most beautiful customer yesterday at the Hawk. Its times like these that i think ill miss the Damn place when i leave.
O he was the wonderful. And hes coming back today! So i pull out my little book of rules thats been gathering years of dust and look for some advice. It was not as forthcoming as i thought it would be.
Stelli says i should just let things roll freely. Wokit suggested going in to the Hawk for 10 so i dont miss him if he comes in. Yoohoo tells me im a freak. But yoohoo cant exactly talk.
Im taking stelli's advice but with a little dash of some orchestrated interference from Red.

Smile

2008-08-29T10:36:00.004+01:00

"Smile,it's friday!" he says as he walks by me.
Oddly enough,i find myself smiling like a loony. Did i actually look so grumpy that he felt he ought to instruct me to smile? Do i always look that grumpy? Was it something i had initially devised to ward off the pervs and weirdos but now just makes me look mean and grr?
I dont know if i should try to look more approachable now ... I read about this thing called the bella figura. Its where if you look open and approachable and smiling the world will literally smile with you.

Smile. It's friday.

Wonder is, as the music of the heart, voiceless

2008-08-28T13:51:00.009+01:00

Here we go again, it's now been 3 weeks since my first day in Istanbul and I think I'm less melodramatic and 'woe is me' now.
This is likely due to the fact that I have already planned my next visit to Istanbul as a complete break from university when I graduate. A week of peace. On my own.

Just imagining the taste of that freedom sends mini-tingles up my spine.

I lie. But that sounds like something you'd read in a book, right?

Just thinking of my week away really gives me a sense of relief; that once I'm away from The Dictator, I won't have to put up with so many of the people that I do.
People who are friends with me (and vice versa) for the sake of having company.
I look forward to the day I can leave those people behind like lifting the dusty mantle of social formalities and leaving it on the floor the past.

For photos, click post title

More later..

I do not trust those who laugh too easily.

2008-08-25T16:00:00.005+01:00

Why, with no laughter at our lips, does laughter reach through our fingers to the letters L, O, and L?

To laugh out loud is a biggie in my sphere of things. Especially at something I’ve read online and specially at something that someone has written in an msn conversation.

‘LOL’

What a space filler. It’s as though you’re avoiding the empty space between two relevant lines of conversation and have decided to fill it with lol. No. That’s not right. No one has made a joke. There’s nothing even remotely funny to even chuckle about.

‘LOL’

People who use ‘lol’ as punctuation make me want to rip my scarf off, then my hair out, then my face off. I growl at thee. ‘How are you, lol’, ‘Lol Happy Birthday’.
I mean, those are good examples. There are capital letters in that but seriously, lol for beginning or ending sentences? ON FACEBOOK?! Unless you’re batting a conversation back and forth on message/wall/chat, there is absolutely no space for lol on facebook.

‘LOL’

Unless, something really amusing comes along. How often does something ACTUALLY make you laugh-out-loud? Online, on screen, facebook, msn, youtube whatever. I’ve physically laughed out loud reading some articles, seeing some pictures, watching some videos. But most of the time, it’s an inward chuckle or a mini snort through my nose. Never laughing out loud. On these occasions I personally type ‘ha’ or ‘hehehe’ or I do a smilie face like so, :).

So why is it that something like lol is thrown in so casually everywhere. I mean, it’s getting even worse with LMAO and ROFL and dare I say it ROFLMAO. These, I understand you don’t actuallydo. I mean, it’s impossible to laugh an ass off, and I’ve tried! They’re just to emphasise how hard you’re laughing. But when they’re tossed in as casually as lol. Well that takes the biscuit.

‘I do not trust those who laugh too easily. The heart of a fool is in the house of mirth.’

Bank holiday

2008-08-25T13:14:00.006+01:00

And so they draw you in with their 50% off sales on furniture and their 'Good afternoon maam, I'm here to take your money'. I know their type. I am that type.
Its crazy how easily we fall into their snares with our credit cards burning. I say 'our'; I really mean my mother's.

Slowly in my mind formed the idea of melodrama

2008-08-22T18:08:00.007+01:00

So basically, there I was, moping around the house. It's Friday, I have work tomorrow. I have to do a pick up before I get to The Hawk. I physically can't bear to think about it.
On top of that, I'm moping due to the belief I have no friends and no one to go out with on a nice day like today.
Then! Hark! I hear a click from my handbag.
Remembering that I left my phone in my handbag last night, I scramble across quilt, laptop and various other bits and bobs to see what the click reads!
O..it's a text asking how my day is...bloody lame that's how...
O BUT WAIT!! There is another text message.
It's none other than a text inviting me out for fun, games and movies in South Ken with folk from The Dictator at 11:30 am...sent last night...
Wait...am...it was then 14:00 and I am checking my phone for the first time...I have missed the occasion by 3 hours...o bittersweet time how it passes me!

Ought I to seek solace in the fact that I do have friends?...or mope in the tardiness of my phone checking...

And so I returned to my moping..

Sylverine says I'm a drama queen. I'd love to say I beg to differ, but I don't.

'So slowly in my mind formed the idea of melodrama, a form I found to perfection in American pictures. They were naive, they were that something completely different. They were completely Art-less. '
And here is the rest of it.

Sometimes, wonderful things happen to me, too.

2008-08-21T20:15:00.003+01:00

Two weeks have passed since my first full glorious day in Istanbul.
It feels like forever (o the melodrama).
Two weeks should be enough time to readjust to England and all that comes with it.
It should be.

And so instead I find myself moping around wishing I was anywhere but here.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Although, I am greatful for the little plot I do have.

She took a deep breath and believed him, because of her father's faith in the myriad and contradictory possibilities of life, and because, too, of what the mountain had taught her. "Okay," she said, exhaling. "I'll buy it. Just don't tell my mother, all right?" The universe was a place of wonders, and only habituation, the anaesthesia of the everyday, dulled our sight....She focused her thoughts. "Sometimes," she decided to say, "wonderful things happen to me, too."

My patience for uploading is waning.

Hence, I shall leave the photos at this for the moment...

[For more photos, click the title of this post]